NärCon Gävle 2016

I had the pleasure of attending NärCon Gävle last weekend which was a very small convention that reminded me of the conventions I used to go to several years ago.

As usual I was a member of the conventions security and medic team, but since almost nobody got hurt we had a lot of free time to just hang out which was really nice.

DSC_0684 One of the best things was getting to spend some time with my friend Melty who’s pretty coords I tried to catch on photo, but the light at most parts of the convention was so dim and my skill as a photographer still very low so most of the shots became super blurry ;___; (exept this one) I also took a lot of pictures of her merchandise which always inspires me so much!

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I also ended up buying three necklaces to add to my forever crowing collection of Melty’s designed jewelry. I just love her style so much and I’ll be wearing these a lot now :3

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Friend-ghosted

Have you ever had a friend suddenly vanish on you? Who’s without explanation stops getting back to you and suddenly is missing from your Facebook wall? Then you will know exactly what I’m talking about. To be unfriended by a friend without knowing it. To be friend-ghosted

Ghosting (according to Urban dictionary)

The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

I don’t in any way claim to be a champion of friendships, actually I’m quite the opposite. I’m awkward and say the wrong things. I bump everyone in my way just trying to navigate the social arena. I hurt people without knowing what I did wrong. I also forget to keep in touch which is why social media is so important to be because it lets me keep tabs on all the people I know and love in a way I feel like I can handle.

But having most of my friends online has proven to be more difficult then I first thought. Because getting friend-ghosted is so much easier. Just a click on the “unfriend” button and you are gone. I start thinking and worrying about someone who I haven’t seen on social media for a while and when I go to check up on them find that we are no longer friends. It is kind of sad.

What do you think? Has this ever happened to you?

 

Japanloppisen, the Japanese flea market, fall 2016

Last Saturday I went to the Japanese flea market (Japanloppisen). I didn’t buy anything, but I took some pictures and got to spend time with friends.

I’ve recently started photographing and this is my latest more serious attempt. I think I took over 200 pictures but only a few turned out well. Most of them were super blurry… I need more practice ^^;

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The zipper that won’t close

In the changing room I broke down in tears. Clutching the pretty fabrics with the zippers that won’t close. Pressing them against my much too large body wishing it was something it is not.
I sobbed my way out past the racks of beautiful garments. Past the girls who’s zippers close. Crying my way out of the store. My heart in a million pieces all over the street.

I don’t want to hate my self, hate my body. Most of the time I don’t. Laying naked in bed. Feeling beautiful and alive. Walking around in my underwear. My body is just mine.
Then I put on that bra. I squeeze my legs into those tights. They dig into my stomach and it hurts. And the blouse won’t fit because my chest is too big. It keeps unbuttoning every time I move.
I feel uncomfortable. I feel wrong. I hate my body. More for every step I take. For every mirror I pass. For every person who passes by. Everything tells me my body is wrong. And suddenly it’s not beautiful to me anymore.

In the changing room I broke down in tears. The world keeps telling me I don’t belong. Because the zippers won’t close. And it never will for me.
I sobbed my way out passing everything I want. Passing everything I can’t have. Past the girls who’s zippers close. The girls who belong.
I stood there crying in the middle of the street. My heart in a million pieces. For everyone to trample on.

First decora in a while

When going downtown to catch Pokémon I wore decora again for the first time in quite a while. This was one of the outfits I brought with me to NärCon, but never got the chance to wear at the convention.

I also wanted to wear my new Love necklace I got at NärCon. It is by my dear friend MeltyChocolateMoon and I have one in pink/purple as well. (Btw, the selfies are mirrored that’s why the text is backwards, sorry >__<;; )

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List of items used:

Wig: Lockshop Wigs
Hair clips: H&M, MeltyChocolateMoon, Bitter & Sweet, gifts
Necklaces: MeltyChocolateMoon, made by me (see this blog post)
Blouse: Thrifted
Ring: MeltyChocolateMoon
Backpack: H&M several years ago
Dress: H&M
Tights: Calzedonia
Socks: Monki
Shoes: Converse

Outside

I feel just like I did as a kid. Alone on the schoolyard watching the others play. Not able or welcome to join. Outside.

There’s a whole world out there. Outside my bedroom walls. A world I’m not able or welcome to join. A world that has no place and no need for me. I’m outside. I always have been. And I guess I always will.

My hands hurt. Every time I place a card. A throbbing pain. My days are numbered. My place outside my bedroom walls will be lost. No schools wants me. No jobs need me. My hands keep hurting. There is nowhere for me to go. Outside.

And there is something wrong inside my head. In my body. In my mind. There’s a lot going on right now. A lot of evaluating and testing and papers with questions I have to answer and a lot of different doctors and nurses and psychiatrists and appointments. And I eat my medicin everyday but I still feel so lost.

I feel just like I did as a kid. Alone on the schoolyard watching the others play. Not able or welcome to join. Outside.

For the first time in what will be forever

It wasn’t love at first sight, it was love at the first conversation. The way he laughed. The way his face lit up when he spoke. It was instant. It was love. And somewhere I dared to hope he felt it too. That it wasn’t all in my head. That this wasn’t just another case of me falling in love with the idea of love rather then the actual person. And that for the first time maybe. Maybe I was loved back.

I held my breath. Prayed to every higher being in the world. Every day. Every time before I looked at the table placements at work. Hoping that fate would place me at his table. That fate would grant me at least a second to speak to him. And for the first time in my life fate smiled at me.

When we didn’t see each other at work we talked a lot on Facebook. About ourself. About our interests. About everything. He told me he loved baking and I said I couldn’t bake even to save my life. “I can teach you. When is your next day of? You can come to my place and I can show you.” And my heart stopped. He had just asked me to come over for what would be the first time of what will be forever.

I will always remember the day of our first date. How he tried to impress me in every single way he knew. Showing me hundred magic tricks and beating me in every video game we played. He was the cutest and most awkward thing I’ve ever seen. I just couldn’t help falling so madly in love. So in love that I decided right there that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I said it was no fun to play when I was always loosing and he put his arm around me to console me and we kissed. For the the first time of what will be forever. And I will never forget.

We dated for a month before that deciding day on my bed in that rented room I was staying in when I first came to Stockholm. We where just lying there staring at the cieling, being happy. “I don’t want to be with anyone else but you”, he said. “I don’t want to be with anyone else but you either”, I responded. He smiled. “Do you know what that means?”, he said. My heart was beating so fast. ” I guess it means we are a couple.” And since that day about three years ago we have been and in two months we are getting married. For the first time in what will be forever.

I’m transforming

I feel like I’m transforming. My body, my mind and my wardrobe. It’s all changing. Changing for the better.

A month ago I decided to go through my closet and get rid of everything that didn’t fit. Pack it away. Store it in the basement in boxes. So I can’t see them. So I can’t try them on and cry over how they don’t fit anymore. It feels exiting. Not only do I feel better getting dressed everyday loosing all that stress. I also feel like I’m sitting on a treasure. I treasure ready to be opened once I’m on the right track again.

I also feel like my style in itself is slowly changing. I’m saving pictures on my computer. Making mood boards. Collecting. Come autumn I will be ready. Ready to really transform my wardrobe, buy and make new things to fill it with. I’m exited.

And I’ve started to walk the hard road of changing my body. Small steps. I have a goal. Getting back to roller derby. Getting back to the shape I was in before the depression hit me full force. I started this week. Exercising. Small steps of everyday training. Changing my body for the better. Becoming stronger with every passing day.

I feel like I’m transforming. Into something stronger then before. And it feels great.

Golden spring outfit and cherry blossoms

Today me and my fiance went shopping for things for our wedding like invitation cards and a diamond ring. We also got lunch and looked at the cherry trees blossoming at Kungsträdgården.

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I went for yet another Larme inspired outfit and I’m so so pleased with how my makeup turned out today! I feel like I’m learning so much and falling more and more in love with both makeup and fashion.

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List of items used:

Makeup:

Foundation: Bobbi Brown Moisture Rich Foundation SPF 15 in 00 Alabaster
Eyebrows: “Tease” from the Urban Decay Naked2 palett + Kicks brow shaping gel in Clear
Blush, Highlight and Eye shadow: Urban Decay Naked Flushed in medium
Eyeliner: Sensai Liquid Eyeliner
Mascara: Clinique High Impact Waterproof Mascara in 01 Black
Powder: Kicks translucent loose powder
Lipstick: “825 Pink Brandy” from MaxFactor

Outfit:

Wig: DreamHolic
Pom Pom hair tie: Eye Candy by Pastelbat
Necklace: Baby&doll by Cosma Shanti
Knit top: thrifted
Jacket: thrifted
Leather bag: thrifted
Sheer white nightgown: Beyond Retro Vintage
Skirt: Monki
Tights: Calzedonia
Socks: H&M
Shoes: thrifted

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I’m scared I will let my ideas down

I feel like I have so many ideas flouting around in my head. Ideas I don’t know what to do with. Characters begging to have their stories told. Plots waiting to be written down. But like most of my thoughts they refuse to come out.

I think I’m scared I won’t do them justice. I think I’m scared I will ruin them by putting them on paper. I’m scared I won’t be able to write them as well as they are in my head. That I will let them down. My ideas.

So I’m just sitting here. With an empty page and a head filled with things not wanting to get written down.